Childrens Wisdom

[Pat Testa]

I have a true story...yesterday, while going through a closet and cleaning out some things, I came across a journal that I wrote in back in 1987. I was taking care of other peoples children at the time and one of the little boys brought his Cabbage Patch doll with him on this particular day. Mothers were just finding out that boys also liked to play with dolls and his mom was an RN (Cabbage Patch dolls were all the rage back then)
 
The kids were all playing with a big floor puzzle and the boy, who was about 4 and a half, got bored and asked one of the little girls...she was about 5 at the time, if she wanted to play Mommy and Daddy. So, it all started with a tea party and the little girl was fine with that. Well, Travis (the boy) announced that since he was the Dad and Bethany (the girl) was the Mom...she needed to take care of the baby because he was going to a Ranger game. Well...the doll that had been cradled lovingly in Bethany's arms was now dangling by one arm...and I was stiffling a laugh...as she held the doll out to him and said, "Here...you take the baby!" The look on his face was priceless as he asked her if she wanted to go too.

I told the parents the story when they picked up their children and the mothers all thought it was funny. However...one of the fathers made the remark that they are learning that crap awfully young now. Now...I wonder, as I'm sure you do...which crap he was referring to

[Sammy]

I have a true story also. Forgive me if I have told this before.

I walked over to my brothers house and visited awhile when my sister-in-law reprimanded my neice for something. I was ready to go home and I asked my sister-in-law if the little girl could go with me to my house. She let her go. On the walk home the little one looked up at me and said " Aunt Sammy, when we get to your house can we sit on your deck and think. No one can keep your from thinkin'."

[Guardian Angel]

PRICELESS COMMENTS UTTERED FROM THE MOUTHS OF CHILDREN:

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office,
a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As
she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and
silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him,
a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the
wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how
you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'.

-----------------------------
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter,
Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed
before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what
I was doing.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has
some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'
-----------------------------------
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn,
I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your
friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you
do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those
things anyway.'
----------------------------------
Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving
immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room
to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle.
'No, no, no!' she screamed.
'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.'
With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you! '
---------------------------
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked
my son the question. 'Dad, I know that babies come from mommies'
tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' he asked
innocently.
After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally
spoke up in disgust. 'You don't have to make something up, Dad.
It's OK if you don't know the answer.'
----------------------
Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son
down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long
time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq .'
'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'
-----------------------
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children
stricken with cancer, AIDS and blood diseases. One afternoon he and his
wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids.
A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients
wouldn't know that Newman was a famous movie star, explained,
That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his
picture on his salad dressing bottle?'
Blank stares.
'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.'
An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'
__________________

[Guardian Angel]

Children in Church
 
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. 
 As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps,
stop, and turn to the crowd..
    While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.
     So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard
by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said,
"I was being the Ring Bear." 
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One Sunday in a Midwest City ,
a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.
The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew
but were losing the battle.
   Finally, the father picked the little fellow up
and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.
     Just before reaching the safety of the foyer,
the little one called loudly to the congregation,
"Pray for me! Pray for me!"
----------------------------------------------------------------- 
One particular four-year old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." 
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."
----------------------------------------------------------------
A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
      One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, 
looking at the old pages as he turned them.
     Then something fell out of the Bible.
He picked it up and looked at it closely.
It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out...
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked..
      With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered,
"It's Adam's suit".
-----------------------------------------------------------------
  The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike,
and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform,
 jerking the mike cord as he went.
     Then he moved to one side,
getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
     After several circles and jerks,
a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,
 "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Six-year old Angie , and her four-year old brother, Joel , were sitting together in church.   
Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers." 
----------------------------------------------------------------
  My grandson was visiting one day when he asked ,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
      I mentally polished my halo, while I asked,
"No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- 
A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother,
was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.
      Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking,
"Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus ? The virgin Mary or the  King James Virgin ?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
 A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
     They were ready to discuss the last one.
     The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
     Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife." 

[Guardian Angel]

TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find   North  America .
MARIA:         Here it  is.
TEACHER:   Correct.  Now class, who discovered   America ?
CLASS:          Maria.
____________ _________ _________ ______   

TEACHER:   John,  why are you doing your math multiplication on  the floor?
JOHN:          You told me to do it  without using tables.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ___

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell  'crocodile?'
GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L'
TEACHER:  No,  that's wrong
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you  asked me how I spell it.   

(I  Love this kid)
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for  water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:   What are you talking  about?
DONALD:     Yesterday you said it's H to O.   
____________ _________ _________ ____

TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have  today that we didn't have ten years  ago.
WINNIE:       Me!
____________ _________ _________ _________ ___   

TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so  dirty?
GLEN:          Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you  are.   
____________ _________ _________ _________

TEACHER:     Millie, give me a sentence starting  with ' I. '
MILLIE:         I  is..
TEACHER:     No, Millie..... Always say, 'I  am.'
MILLIE:          All right...  'I am  the ninth letter of the alphabet.'     
____________ _________ _________ __

TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.   
Now, Louie, do you know why his father  didn't punish him?
LOUIS:           Because George still had the axe in his hand..   
____________ _________ _________ ________   

TEACHER:    Now,  Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers  before eating?
SIMON:         No sir, I don't have to, my  Mom is a good cook.   
____________ _________ _________

TEACHER:     Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the  same as your brother's.. Did you copy  his?
CLYDE :         No, sir. It's the same dog.   
____________ _________ _________ _____

TEACHER:   Harold, what do you call a person who  keeps on talking when people are no longer  interested?
HAROLD:     A teacher

[Guardian Angel]

Art Linkletter would have loved these:
 
 
Children Writing About the Ocean... 
                                                                                                                                                                                           
1)  - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.   (Kelly,  age 6)                                                           
                                                                         
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age  6)                   
                                                                         
3) - If you are  surrounded by ocean, you are an island.  If you don't   
have ocean all  round you, you are incontinent.   (, age  7)             
                                                                         
4) - Sharks are  ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily       
Richardson She's not my  friend any more.   (Kylie, age  6)                                                                           
                                                                         
5) - A dolphin  breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.  (Billy, age                                                             
                                                                         
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a  woman and pots
and comes back with crabs.  (Millie, age  6)                             
                                                                         
7) - When ships  had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes when  the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to 
make the wind come.  My  brother said they would have been better off     
eating beans.  (William,  age 7)                                         
                                                                         
-  Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and
I like  their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?     
Like,  really?   (Helen, age 6)                                           
                                                                         
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby  brother is a lways 
crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister  has just got   
pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age  6)                   
                                                                         
10) - Some fish  are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting.  Electric eels can   
give you a shock.  They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug  themselves in to chargers.                             
(Christopher, age  7)                                                     
                                                                         
11) - When you  go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes   
my willy small.  (Kevin, age 6)                                           
                                                                         
12)  - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water.  Divers can't
go  down alone, so they have to go down on each other.  (Becky, age     
                                                                         
13) - On  vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was   
going very fast.  She says she won't do it again because water fired     
right up her big fat ass..  (Julie, age 7)                               
                                                                         
14)  - The ocean is made up of water and fish.  Why the fish don't drown 
I  don't know.  (Bobby, age 6)                                           
                                                                         
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean He knows all  about the ocean.   
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.   
(James, age 7)                                             

[Guardian Angel]

*First Wedding*:
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so
quickly.

"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said..
"All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said, 
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
---------------------------
* Becoming a Minister:*
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his
mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up.." 

"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I
figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen"

--------------------------- 
*Prayer: *
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, " And
forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

-------------------------------
*Writing Sermons:*
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon..
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
--------------------------------------- 
*Church Service:*
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,

"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
----------------------------------------- 
*Sunday School Class: *
Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible
stories.  She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an 
airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent..

"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and  Baby
Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!" 

-----------------------------
*Sunday School Class:*
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers
before eating?"

"No sir," little Johnny replies,
I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."
------------------------------------------------ 
*This is the best one: *
A little girl was sitting on her  grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime
story. From time to time, she  would take her eyes off the book and reach up
to touch his wrinkled  cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then
his again.

Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God  make you?" "Yes, sweetheart,"
he answered, "God made me a long time  ago..." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did
God make me too?"

"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made  you just a little while ago." Feeling
their respective faces again, she  observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't
he?" 

[Guardian Angel]

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once Talked about a contest he was asked to judge.
The purpose of the Contest was to find the most caring child..

The winner was:

A four-year-old child, whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old Gentleman's' yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.  When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, 'Nothing, I just Helped him cry.'

*********************************************

Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopted.
A little girl said, 'I know all about Adoption, I was adopted..'

 'What does it mean to be adopted?', asked another child.

   'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'

*********************************************

On my way home one day, I stopped to watch a Little League base ball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the firs t-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was   'We're behind 14 to nothing,' he answered
With a smile.

'Really,' I said. 'I have to say you don't look very discouraged..'

'Discouraged?', the boy asked with a Puzzled look on his face...

'Why should we be discouraged? We haven't Been up to bat yet.'

*********************************************

Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.

Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.

On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement.  'Guess what, Mom,' he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me....'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'

*********************************************

 An eye witness account from New York City , on a cold day in December,  some years ago: A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering  with cold.

 A lady approached the young boy and said, 'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'

’I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,' was the boy's reply.

The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.

She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel.

By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks.. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes..

She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head and said, 'No doubt, you will be more comfortable now.'

As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her.

'Are you God's wife?'

[Guardian Angel]

STORY OF ELIJAH

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar.  And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times "Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?" 
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"


LOT'S WIFE

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"


GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"  A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."


DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"   
"No," replied David. "How could he, with just two worms?"


HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, " We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power.  Can anybody tell me what it is?"  One child blurted out, "Aces!"


MOSES &THE RED SEA

Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."  "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never
Believe it!"


THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.  On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."


Church Smiles

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her  brother in another part of the country "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.


AMISH BUMPER STICKER

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...    "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.  Caution: Do not step in exhaust.''


SUNDAY SCHOOL MESSAGE

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.  Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.  He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

[Guardian Angel]

JACK (age 3)
was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister... After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

STEVEN (age 3)
hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY   (age 4)
had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle.  Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'..(How do it know?).

DJ (age 4)
stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy  looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

JAMES (age 4)was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.'  Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'
Now for Butt Dust!!

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...
This particular Sunday sermon....'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...'
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
 

[Guardian Angel]

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?

(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own.
They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady! 

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. 

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

 They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear. 

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart. 

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'
 
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
 
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have

Television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA

LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE

TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!
 
It' funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

[Guardian Angel]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he was ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Butterfly]

When our friends were visiting from Nebraska with their 3 year old, they told me he was upset and wanted to go back home.  He described it this way "this is not our world"  I thought it was cute, and exactly how I feel whenever I go far from home....

[Guardian Angel]

 
 
 
 
GOOD SAMARITAN   
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.  She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"  A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up." 


DID NOAH FISH?   
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"   "No," replied Johnny.  "How could he, with just two worms." 


THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD   
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23 .  She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.   Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm.   After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.   On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.   When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know." 


UNANSWERED PRAYER 
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon.  One day, she asked him why.  "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages.  "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."   
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked. 


BEING THANKFUL   
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night?  That's very commendable. What does she say?" 
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!" 


ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS   
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers , she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).  For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."  This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing.  My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"  Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!" 


SAY A PRAYER   
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.  Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.  When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.    "Johnny!  Please wait until we say our prayer."  said his mother.  "I don't need to," the boy replied.  "Of course, you do "his mother insisted.  "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."  "That's at our house." Johnny explained.  "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

[Guardian Angel]

TEACHER:    Why are you late?
STUDENT:    Class started before I got here.
--------------------------------------------------------


TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find  North America.
MARIA:        Here it  is.
TEACHER:   Correct.  Now class, who discovered  America ?
CLASS:         Maria.
_____________________________ _______


TEACHER:    John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:          You told me to do it without using tables.
_____________________________ _____________


TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong
GLENN:      Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.   
(I Love this child)
_____________________________ _______________


TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:   What are you talking about?
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it's H to O.   
_____________________________ _____


TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:       Me!
_____________________________ _____________

 
TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:          Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.   
_____________________________ __________


TEACHER:     Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE:         I  is...
TEACHER:     No, Millie... Always say, 'I  am.'
MILLIE:         All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'       
_____________________________ ___


TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:           Because George still had  the axe in his hand...     
_____________________________ _________

 
TEACHER:    Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:        No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.   
_____________________________ _


TEACHER:       Clyde , your  composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your   brother's... Did you copy his?
CLYDE   :         No, sir. It's the same dog.     
(I want to adopt this kid! )
_____________________________ ______


TEACHER:    Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer  interested?
HAROLD:     A teacher