Childrens Wisdom

[Guardian Angel]

CHILDREN AND THE CHURCH


A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.  His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."   "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"   "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?



  A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
   "How do you know what to say?" he asked.
   "Why, God tells me."
  "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
   
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.  Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º
 
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.   Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º


Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories.  She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"
 "Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot.
? º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º             



The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"   "No sir," little Johnny replies,
I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?



A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!"
A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view.   The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place.  When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck.  No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:   
"Hallelujah! Hell is full!"

?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
   
This is the best one.
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book
and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.  She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"
     

[Butterfly]

Children's Science Exam

These are real answers given by children!

Q: Explain one of the processes by water can be made safe to drink.
A:  Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants, like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q:  How is dew formed?
A:  The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q:  What causes the tides of the ocean?
A:  The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon.  All water tends to flow toward the moon because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum.  I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q:  What are steroids?
A:  Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q:  What happens to your body as you age?
A:  When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q:  What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A:  He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q:  Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A:  Premature death (My personal favorite)

Q:  How are the main parts of the body categorized? (i.e. abdomen)
A:  The body is consisted into three parts, the brainium, the borax, and the abdominal cavity.  The branium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs; and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, U.

Q:  What is the fibula?
A:  A small lie.

Q:  What does "varicose" mean?
A:  Nearby

Q:  Give the meaning of the term Cesarean Section.
A:  Cesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q:  What does the work "benign" mean.
A:  Benign is what you will be after your 8.

[Guardian Angel]

Never trust a dog to watch your food - Patrick, 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him - Michael, 14
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a cricket bat - Joel, 10
Never pee on an electric fence - Robert, 13
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic Tac - Andrew, 9
When your mum is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair - Taylia, 11
Never allow your three-year-old brother in the same room as your homework - Tracey, 14
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in your milk - Armir, 9
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts - Kellie, 11
Don't sneeze in front of your mum, when you're eating a cracker - Mitchell, 12
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse - Naomi, 15
Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick - Lauren, 9
Never tell your mum her diet's not working - Michael, 14
If you get a bad school report, show it to your mum when she's on the phone - Alyesha, 13

[Butterfly]

What Does Love Mean?

From the mouth of babes.

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.  So, my grandfather does it for her all the time, even after his hands got arthritis too.  That's love."  Rebecca - age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.  You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."  Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and hey go out and smell each other."  Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."  Crissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."  Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time.  Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.  My Mommy and Daddy are like that.  They look gross when they kiss."  Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."  Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."  Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on the planet )

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."  Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."  Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared.  I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.  He was the only one doing that.  I wasn't scared anymore."  Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody.  You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."  Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."  Elane - age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."  Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."  Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."  Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you" (what an image)  Karen - age 7

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."  Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it.  but if you mean it, you should say it a lot.  People forget."  Jessica - age 8

And the final one --Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.  The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.  The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was a elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.  When his mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

[Butterfly]

PRICELESS GRANDPARENT STORIES

  1. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into
old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.  As
she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her
patience grew    thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and
stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern
arnings.  As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say
with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

*******************************************************************

2. A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was
like: "We used to skate outside on a pond.  I had a swing made from a tire;
it hung from a tree in our front yard.  We rode our pony.  We picked
wild raspberries in the woods."  The little girl was wide-eyed,
taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know
you sooner!"

*******************************************************************

3. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you
know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I
asked, No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

********************************************************************

4. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word
processor.  She told him she was writing a story.  "What's it about?"
he asked.  "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

********************************************************************

5. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her.  I would point out something and ask what color
it was.  She would tell me, and always she was correct.  But it was fun
for me, so I continued.  At last she headed for the door, saying
sagely,   "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of
these yourself!"

****************************************************************

6. A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.  They were
ready to discuss the last one.  The teacher asked if anyone could
tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife,"

***************************************************************

7. Our five-year-old son couldn't wait to tell his father about the
movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea."
The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him
wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark,
"What caused the submarine to sink?"  With a look of
incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"

*******************************************************************

8. When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept
the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky
insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in.  Noticing them before
I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa.  The mosquitoes are
coming after us with flashlights."

******************************************************************

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, I'm
not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised.  "Mine
says I'm four to six."

*******************************************************************

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom,
 guess what?  We learned how to make babies today."  The mother,
 more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.  "That's
 interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"  "It's simple,"
 replied the girl.  "You just change "y" to "i" and add 'es'"
 (What English teacher wouldn't love that one?)



****************************************************************

Subject: Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant,"
said a teacher.  The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the
 ladder pregnant."  The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.
"Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. Sure," said the young
boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

****************************************************************

A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He
had made her coffee.  She drank what was the worst cup of coffee   in her life.  When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup.  She said, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"  Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!


***********************************************************

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids
home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.  Sitting in the front seat
of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.  The children started
discussing the dog's duties.  They use him to keep crowds back," said
one  youngster.   "No, said another, "he's just for good
luck."  A third child brought the argument to a close."They use
the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant.

[Butterfly]

     A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.  She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

    The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

    "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

 

KIDS ; DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM???

[Guardian Angel]

Out of the mouths' of babes...
LITTLE KNOWN MARITIME FACTS

A number of primary schools were doing a project on "The Sea."  Kids were
asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences.  Teachers got
together to compare the results and put together some of the 'better' ones.

  1.  This is a picture of an octopus.  It has eight testicles. (Kelly , age 6)
   
  2.  Some fish are dangerous.  Jellyfish can sting.  Electric eels can give you a shock.  They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves to chargers.  (Christopher, age 7)
 
  3.  Oysters' balls are called pearls.  (James, age 6)
 
  4.  If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island.  If you don't have sea  all around you, you are in continent.  (Wayne, age 7)
 
  5.  I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily  Richardson.  She's not my friend no more.  (Kylie, age 6)
 
  6.  A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of it's head.  (Billy, age
 
  7.  My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
 
  8.  When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean.  Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come.  My brother said they would be better off eating beans.  (William, age 7)
 
  9.  I like mermaids.  They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?  (Helen, age 6)

10.  When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy shrink.  (Kevin, age 6)
 
 

 
 
 

[Butterfly]

I think children have such a wonderful perspective
and so much to teach us if we can listen and learn. These were cute, and
worth thinking about. This seemed a fitting collage of insights to pass on
as we celebrate Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s work and life.

LIFE - from a child's perspective

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm
summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and
waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my
5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat
belt!

HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the
garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom
and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming
little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the
toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from
his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer
the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then
she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now She's
hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing
towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then
asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The
various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and
wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a
pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the
inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth
fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the
next morning."

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting
my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they
won't let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been
pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called
out" What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's
voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear

[Guardian Angel]

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her
kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help, and the teacher could see why.  Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.  Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling
the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why
didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And once again she struggled
to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner than they got the boots off he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry, but she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

[Butterfly]

You have to try and picture this in your mind, to funny not to share.
 
The Middle Wife
By an Anonymous
2nd grade teacher
 
 
 
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years.
 have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I
 saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
 When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I
always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over
shyness and usually, show- and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet
turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.
And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they
want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very
bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the
front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up
a snapshot of an infant.
 "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going
 to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol
of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke
grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
  [She's standing there with her hands on the
 pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with
me. The kids are watching her in amazement.]
 "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts
saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh, oh!' " [Erica puts a hand behind her back
and groans.] "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh,
oh,oh!'
 [Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.]
 "My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers
 babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man.
 They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this."
  [Then Erica lies down with her back against the
 wall.]
  "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water
she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and
spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"
  [This kid has her legs spread and with her
little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!]
  "Then the middle wife starts saying 'push,
push,' and 'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but never even got
past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in
yucky stuff, they all said it was from Mom's play-center!, so there must
be a lot of stuff inside there."
  [Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow
 and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever
since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in
case another Erica comes along.

[Guardian Angel]

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted  on NO baby talk!

 "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

 She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend."I went to visit my  Nana."

 "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
 "I took a ride on a choo-choo."

 She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use  'Big People' words."

 She then asked little Alex what he had done?
 "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said.  "What
 book did you read?"

 [I love this]
 Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT".

 
   
 
 
 

[Guardian Angel]

This is an Easter story better late than never.  I think you will enjoy it.  I received it from a friend today.

http://www.fathershands.com/emptyegg/

[Guardian Angel]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed
little Alex standing in the foyer of the
church staring up at a large plaque.

It was covered with names with small
American flags mounted on either side
of it.

The seven year old had been staring at
the plaque for some time, so the pastor
walked up, stood beside the little boy,
and said quietly,

"Good morning Alex."
"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still
focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is
this?" he asked the pastor.

The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a
memorial to all the young men and
women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together,
staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely
audible and trembling with fear, asked,

"Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15 ?"

[Guardian Angel]

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car,
had a big garage sale and gave all my money
to the church,  Would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now I was starting to smile.

Hey, this was fun!

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"

I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them.  "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out,

"YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

[Tennyson]

LOL......that is too funny!!!!!