Growing Up Gay in America

[SpiritMan]

Entrapment

I wonder if anyone reading this thread can imagine what it was like for me to be a 15 year old Gay teen in Danville in 1964. Sometimes I even wonder if a 15 year old Gay teen who lived there today would really have a very different life than I did. That’s the time of life when most are leaving their childhood behind and feeling their bodies awaken for the first time. I was the outsider watching all my peers necking at the back of the bus, openly displaying their interest in each other in a clumsy rendition of something resembling romance. That was them, not me. Definitely not me. Even today I think most Gay teens are robbed of the experience of coming of age in a supportive environment. How many parents do you think sit their children down and tell them they will fall in love with another person some day, and whoever that person may be the parents will support them? The expectations are for one man and one woman together. I can tell you without a doubt that if you are Gay, that prospect would be to commit to a lifetime lie.

If you go back in American history just a few generations you can see the lie perpetuated upon our society about age of consent. We like to pretend that no one under the age of 18 would ever act upon their natural urges. If you are Gay this ageist concept of sexuality becomes a dangerous weapon. Once again my eyes were opened when I arrived in Europe to live. When I first moved to Europe I was shocked to learn that statutory rape was an American invention. In Austria, Germany, Hungary, Iceland, Italy and Liechtenstein the age of consent is 14. In the Czech Republic, Denmark, France, Greece and Poland it is 15. In Belgium, Cyprus, Finland, Luxembourg, Norway and Portugal it is 16. Anyone my age can probably name someone’s parents or grandparents who were married at 14 or 15! My question is this. Does that make our friends’ parents or grandparents pedophiles? The Europeans are very sophisticated when dealing with this issue. Rape is defined as one person forcing themselves upon another without the other’s consent. There are no cases of people being arrested when both participants consented.

Now I come from a big family. If we all sat around the table telling stories about the first time I’m 100% sure that these ages mentioned above in the European statistics would come up quite a few times. But of course if we are going to talk about Gay sexuality in America, equality and fairness are probably not going to be a part of the equation. It has been my experience that when Americans are questioned further on these subjects it’s really the same sex attraction that’s always at the root of the judgment, not the age of the participants.

Picture this: Danville, Illinois in the 1960’s. A Gay teenager is caught in a compromising position by a plainclothes policeman. The teen is overcome with fear of rejection by his family, fear of consequences with the law, fear of being outed to all his friends. The idea of even one of the scenarios is unthinkable for him. The police cut a deal with him. Come on to an older man, swear that the man solicited him for sex and go scott free! That’s a story from my life in Danville in the 1960’s. I wonder if anything has changed since the 1960’s. Oh yes, have I mentioned how many people in these situations have committed suicide? I wonder how many people there are today who would say, “oh well, no big loss!”

[SpiritMan]

Most Gay people will tell you that they thought they were the only ones in the beginning. Once I met my first Gay friend in Danville, a whole secret world was revealed. It was almost like living a schizophrenic life by choice, for survival. Every word one spoke had to be chosen carefully so you wouldn’t reveal anything accidentally. Walking into a room was an exercise in dividing the ones who know from the ones who don’t know. Over the years I came to know politicians, doctors, lawyers, many upstanding pillars of the community in Danville, some single, some married, all Gay. So they were all there. They were good actors out of necessity.

I wasn’t so lucky. Perhaps I wasn’t born to be an actor. When I was in Danville High School I had chosen to grow a small lock of hair just above my forehead, to copy someone I admired. I don’t remember who my role model was. Before classes when we all walked through the halls, I walked in fear, trying to make myself invisible. Often the principal would pull me into his office for a taunting session. “Did your mommy put that little curl on your forehead?” “Are you a sissy?” “It better be gone tomorrow!” Then the final blow. My Physical Ed teacher made me do push-ups for 45 minutes while he stood above me screaming as all the other students looked on. It was punishment for my curl. Inside I knew that to cut off that curl was the same as cutting out my identity. I had to go to the hospital for one dislocated shoulder and the other sprained. For weeks I was in a cast and a sling. My Phys Ed instructor flunked me. Up to that point I was an honor student. After that I hated High School. My grades suffered and I contemplated suicide. I was in Moments Musical. All I can remember is the knot in my stomach during the rehearsals. When I had to sing a duet with a girl while looking into her eyes, I kept breaking out in uncontrollable laughter at the serious moments. I just wanted to die!

Later when we started going to a club in Indianapolis we had to run to our cars in order to avoid being bashed. Sometimes inside the bar we would tend to head wounds and wipe off the blood from one of our friends. Sometimes people would come through the parking lot with 2x4’s breaking out all the headlights or windshields. Most times we wouldn’t call the police because they would just abuse us again. The club finally closed after someone stood across the street with a gun shooting people as they came out the front door. The really sick part of all of it was that we all thought this was normal. It was all we ever knew! There wasn’t one of us who didn’t understand the ones who chose to stay safely in the closet. Their fears were far from irrational.

Oh yes, and then there were the suicides! Remember when people would say, “but what happened?” “He had everything going for him, a beautiful wife, wonderful children!” We all knew exactly what had happened!

[SpiritMan]

In the 1990’s there was a study of heterosexual couples that asked where they thought the most romantic place to make love was. The majority said on a beach. Another study found that a majority of baby boomers from a certain age group experienced their first time in a car. A film historian made a clip of a series of outdoor love scenes in classic movies. Making love in nature is treated with respect and envy as long as it’s between opposite sexes. The stereotype of homosexuals having public sex is a myth that is meant as a smokescreen to hide the real prejudice. There was a widely reported story in the Gay press, I believe in the 1970’s. A Gay couple who lived together as partners decided to spend a romantic day in a national park. They hiked to a remote spot that was a strenuous three hour trek from the nearest staging area. They put their blanket down in a secluded area and were arrested by a park ranger who had recognized them as a Gay couple and had followed them for three hours.

All over the world people who are in love, but for some reason don’t have a private place to go, search out places where they can be alone together. The only difference between Gay people and heterosexuals is that Gay people are many times searched out, arrested, beaten, and sometimes killed. For closeted Gays it can also be the only contact they have with their real life. Many aspects of Gay life that heterosexuals criticize have actually been created out of necessity from the intolerance. Gay people are constantly criticized for having promiscuous casual relationships, and in the same breath chastised for wanting to marry. Go figure!

[SpiritMan]

What has been posted up to this point is from the original thread on the CN forums. Many of the posts were answers or reactions to other posts. There are a few more to be posted, but I wanted to take this opportunity to make a comment about how I feel during this process.

I have the entire original thread. When I re-read them now it is another learning experience for me. I appreciate the support from Sister Lucy, the questions from Butterfly and McGregor's defense of my right to create my own thread and say what I want. But the thing that stands out the most for me are the comments from those "who don't get it." We use that term a lot, but it only has meaning to those who do "get it."

On the original thread there were several people who thought they had every right to come into my personal story and criticize me for telling it. I was told I was deliberately dwelling on the gruesome parts to get sympathy. There were people who said I was trying to justify my lifestyle, pointing out that heterosexuals never do that. Prime example of "not getting it." What they don't get is that I am telling MY story, and the reason they think it is a justification, or sympathy seeking is because they don't give me the same right as they assume they have. There were people who would compliment me on my courage, say they were interested in the story, then post behind a criticism in a way that contradicted their compliments. There were people who would say they respect my right to my beliefs, then at the end of the sentence imply that my beliefs were not only wrong, but sinful. I was told that telling all of my story was disrespectful.

But the most telling aspect of the original thread was that there was not one other Gay person from Danville who participated in that thread. Even today it is the same. If I listed them all here in this forum, what would happen? Use your imagination! I would imagine a famous singer turning over in his grave, for starters. I don't say that to be mean. It is just a very sad fact about my hometown that transcends the issue of sexuality.

       

[SpiritMan]

When I returned for my first visit to my parents after “coming out” I was shocked by some of the responses. Two Gay friends and I were sitting in a fast food restaurant on Main street sharing old stories. When one of them noticed some of his friends coming through the door, he turned to me and said, “don’t act too Gay.” I guess what he meant was, don’t forget to keep lying for our sake. I got up and walked out. I realized in that moment that I couldn’t go back to that horrible way of living, even if it meant I had to give up old friendships.

More recently I have met people in Danville who have been very candid with me about their lifestyles today. What makes me sad is that nothing has really changed in thirty years. I was told by one man that if I should ever come into the place where he works I should not let on that I know him. He assured me that if they knew he was Gay he would be fired. I happen to know that since he works for a national corporation that would be very unlikely these days, especially if he chose to fight. But since he probably wouldn’t be willing to come out to the whole community, he can still be intimidated at a corporation where he could work openly Gay in most other cities. Another person is someone who was my role model when I was a young boy. Everyone talked about him being “Queer” when I was a young teenager. It seemed the whole city knew his sexual identity. He also feels the need to caution me about protecting his secret "for the sake of his family." Another man calls my sister when he knows I’m in town and tells her that I should never come and knock on his door. I drove up in front of another friend’s house just as he was going in his front door. When I rang the doorbell he didn’t answer. The sad thing for me is to know that every single Gay person who has decided to end the double life has said it is the most wonderful decision they have ever made in their lives. Coming out is the beginning of a healing that lasts the remainder of one’s life. Danville has produced many talented, productive Gay people who have gone on to do amazing things in their lives. Some are internationally famous. It’s sad that most feel they have to leave as soon as they have the ability. It’s also sad that almost across the board, they all feel that Danville is too intolerant to accept them for who they really are.
 
I think one of the most important functions of this thread is its ability to dispel myths by giving us an opportunity to tell our own stories. I understood who I was at the age of twelve. I am sure I matured much sooner than most of my peers. I think the following story will be self-explanatory.

I believe I was around the age of fourteen when I met a man I now refer to as my Gay grandfather. He was not related by blood, but he occupied a very valuable position in my life. It was obvious to me that he was Gay. I also understood that he was looked down upon by others in the community. I’m sure there were many who whispered that Q word behind his back. When we first met we both stumbled around searching for the right moment and way to confess to each other.

My Gay grandfather became my mentor and my protector. He played a role in my life that I could never have hoped for from any member of my biological family at that time. Once he knew I was Gay he told me how to protect myself from the intolerant world I would have to face. Never did we discuss the sexual aspects of being Gay. Never was there any desire on either part to go to that place in our relationship. Now, as I approach the age that my Gay grandfather was, I can understand his position very well. He wanted some guarantee that his children would have a better life than he. He wanted to do everything in his power to protect me. Whenever we were seen together by a third person we would both tense up. We knew the truth wouldn’t matter if someone “respectable” made an unfounded accusation.

That was 40 years ago. To this day I do not know his name. There were times when my life was in danger and it just very well could have been his advice that saved me. I am eternally grateful I had someone in my life who saw the void in my family life and stepped into to fill that void. There is no group of people on earth who know better than Gays, that the definition of family is much broader than the accepted meaning of blood lines.

[SpiritMan]

In April, 1976, three years after I left Danville, the Commercial-News took a huge step when it published a series of six articles on homosexuality. The series was well researched and written by Staff Writer, Elaine Symanski. What I was not prepared for was the outpouring of hostility and hatred toward Gays, that appeared on the opinion pages during that time. Some of the unpublished letters were so horrible it prompted the editor to publish a statement that for the first time in his career he actually threw readers’ letters into the wastebasket. For nearly three decades the image that I carried of “my hometown” was the image that was painted by those opinion pieces and my personal experiences with physical violence and discrimination at every turn. Even my attempts to heal the emotional wounds were hampered by the fact that I had scars of physical violence that would never totally heal. Each morning as I got out of bed with pain, each time I had to refuse physical challenges because the ability to meet them was stolen from me by the physical manifestation of someone else’s hatred, I was taken back to the memory of those letters to the editor. From that experience I learned that words sometimes have more power than we assume. It’s like the case portrayed in the movie, “The Accused” with Jodie Foster. If you witness a rape and you cheer on the rapist you are participating in the rape. That’s how I’ve always felt about my hometown and sometimes my country. I’ve always felt like the silent majority of Americans were quietly cheering the Fag bashers on. There was nothing in many of their public statements to dissuade me from the idea that they would prefer me dead to alive. It hasn’t been easy living in this country with the idea that I was not welcome in the place where I was born.

Until I left the country on my first trip abroad I felt it was enough to accept the insincere offers of friendship from people who believe I am a sinner because of their perverted sense of religion and their ignorant sense of scripture. But then I visited places where the majority of people "get it" because they have witnessed first hand what fascism in the name of religion can do. Before I went abroad I believed it was enough to accept living in a ghetto in order to be able to walk down the street proud, hand in hand, without being physically attacked. But then I saw places where acceptance is so complete that heterosexual men are allowed to touch each other without being accused of being gay. It was in fact so complete that if an ignorant American homophobe would accuse them of being gay they wouldn't mind, because they don't believe being gay is a bad thing! So now, when I am back in America I am here with my eyes wide open. I am compelled to speak the truth about what I see instead of crawling to some dark corner that has been reserved for me to live in someone else's shame. And what I see is an America that is drowning in it own self-inflicted shame.

Those who are most responsible for the shame of America turn their anger on the most vulnerable group left in their campaign of hatred and bigotry. So when someone tells me that everyone is entitled to their own opinion about gay issues, they see themselves as progressive and accepting and I see them as the last obstacle to equality for gays. When someone hides behind religion in their attempt to modify the US Constitution to codify bigotry and inequality, they see themselves as righteous and I see them as fascists like the self-righteous Nazis. Their rationalizations for their bigotry are full of the same "buts" that have characterized all Fascist movements. "But" African Americans have inferior brains. "But" the Bible says slavery is OK. "But" the Jews killed Christ. "But" homosexuality is an abomination. And like all of the Fascists before them these people will be the last to understand that their own salvation will come through education and raising of their awareness.

I am proud to be Gay. I am proud of my 15 year spiritual, loving relationship with Rob. I am proud that I have chosen to STOP being codependents with people who choose to lace every conversation with homophobic put-downs, whether they are overt or subtle, intentional or not. Equal means "exactly" the same! I am proud that I have the courage to stand up and say no to homophobia in spite of all the people who still "don't get it."

[SpiritMan]

I live in San Francisco when I’m in the states. Living here has provided much for me to be proud of. When I first arrived I used to stand at the exit from the subway to watch all the Gay men and Lesbians coming home from work after five o’clock. If you can imagine, that was the first time I felt like I belonged anywhere. It was the first time in my life I was a part of any majority. It was in San Francisco that I was first able to shed all of the paranoia I had accumulated over the years. It takes quite a while to adjust to being normal. Now we have a lot of children in the community. I am so proud of the Gay parents who adopt children. So often you see two Gay men or two Lesbians with adopted children no one else wanted. There are many Gays who adopt children who are physically or mentally disabled because we know what it’s like to feel unwanted. These children get a lot of love. Contrary to some misconceptions, 90% of the children of Gay parents grow up to be heterosexual. That means those of us who choose to be parents have weddings to attend and grandchildren to spoil. I feel extremely happy and secure in San Francisco. I hope the acceptance that exists here will eventually spread to the rest of the country. But the hard reality is: it is still a ghetto! And that is a reflection on the rest of America.

[SpiritMan]

That concludes the posts from the other forum. But you can bet the subject is not closed.

[Butterfly]

My regret, as your sister, is not being there for you, because I didn't know a lot of the things that happened to you as you were growing up.  I often wish we could go back to those times and wrap our loving arms around you and protect you from all the bad things that happened to you.

[SpiritMan]

That was a time when no one talked about such things. I could also look back in hindsight and say that I should have confided in my family more. But there was nothing to allow me to have that kind of faith at that time. The only thing I can do now is to follow my heart and speak the whole truth so this will not be the story in the future.   

[SpiritMan]

The following are from the original thread on Gay Marriage:

For me growing up in Danville as a Gay child was a nightmare. At DHS I seriously contemplated suicide. The only negative things I can remember from my life about being Gay are related to the intolerant society I was forced to live in. As far as Gay marriage is concerned, there are very real experiences in my life that brought me to the point of supporting the concept of Gay marriage. You see I had a Gay friend who died in the 1980's. He was in a relationship for twenty-five years. His family had disowned him and hadn't spoken to him for more than two decades. When he was in a coma the family got a lawyer and denied his partner access to his hospital room. They contested his Will and took the possessions the couple had acquired together over the years. They threw his partner out of the home they had shared together.

This is but one of a multitude of examples of abuses we have taken because of the concept of "one man and one woman." The debate about Gay marriage has nothing to do with scripture. It is about giving equality to everyone under civil law. The fact is that all the people who are so violently opposed to Gay marriage will be totally unaffected by a change in the law.

I ask you all to do one thing. Walk in my shoes! How would you feel if people quoted scripture to demonize you, to codify discrimination and hatred? How would you feel if complete strangers spit on you, called you names, even inflicted physical violence upon you because you appeared in public with the person you have chosen to live your life with? How would you feel if your partner in life died and politicians stood on the floor of the United States Senate and called your partner a sinner who deserved to die?

The truth is many Christians in America are standing up and answering the question I've seen on bumper stickers. What would Jesus do? In my heart I know he would stand beside me against hatred and injustice.

[SpiritMan]

This should be posted in every subject where literal interpretation of scripture is an issue!

Re: literal interpretation of scripture
A few thought provoking quotes for those who believe the whole world should live by literal interpretation of scripture:

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of menstrual uncleanness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him
myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have
a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different
crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two
different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev. 24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

[SpiritMan]

Are We Sinners?

“Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you!” It is not the place nor the job of others to judge my life. As far as I am concerned, the greatest gift God has bestowed upon human beings is the capacity to love others. As humans many of us are blessed with one special person who gets to share our life in a way that is more intimate and fulfilling than anyone else in our life. These are the people we choose as our partners.

I understand the people who fear homosexuality, who fear me. I grew up in this culture with a big view, as an outsider looking in. Because of my station in life I chose to live a life of integrity. Perhaps I tried harder because of the stigma placed on me by the culture. It pains me to hear people say they don’t believe people are born Gay, that we are sinners. I have no memory, ever, of being attracted to the opposite sex. Perhaps the idea that God created us too is so threatening because it requires questioning everything else we believe. Life is about change and growth. That’s why we are here, to change and to grow. If loving another human being is a sin, then everyone is truly a sinner.

[SpiritMan]

Flaunt is a word created by homophobic heterosexuals to describe a homosexual who assumes he has the same rights as heterosexuals. What exactly is it heterosexuals want me to keep behind bedroom doors? Do they assume I was having sex on the street? I think not. What they want is for me to be ashamed of who I am. They want heterosexuals to be able to hold hands in public, to be proud of their spouses, to hold their heads high. But they want all Gays to be closeted to fulfill their interpretation of scripture. Do they understand how offensive it is for them to continue the repetition of the phrase, "I do not condemn the person, only the act?" The truth is they have a problem inside their heads when they see an openly Gay couple or person. For some strange reason they can't help but visualize what it might be that Gays do in the bedroom. I am so happy that I am not like them. When I see a man and woman together who are obviously in love I am happy for them. I do not fantasize what they do in the bedroom. I would suggest heterosexuals do the same when they see Gay people. From the perspective a Gay person heterosexuals flaunt their lifestyle everytime they walk in public with their children, when they get married in public ceremonies, when they celebrate anniversaries, when they wear wedding rings... and on and on.

I do not need someone else's approval or permission to exist in the world. I also do not accept characterizations of me as a sinner. Religion is a personal thing between an individual and God. No matter how many times someone repeats that I am a sinner, it doesn't change my experience as the spirit who lives inside my body. It is extremely arrogant for anyone to assume they personally have all the answers for everyone else in the world. Please pray for yourselves to be more tolerant and educated about the real world. I don't need prayers to convert me. I am who God created me to be!

[SpiritMan]

I believe the following from scripture might be useful:

"Love thy neighbor", "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" and "judge not, lest ye be judged." Hiding behind scripture and religion to validate prejudice is not acceptable. To continue to say that one should love the sinner but hate the sin is condescending. It's not nice and it's not conducive to respectful dialog. This is typical of dialog regarding homosexuality. My silence is expected as a confirmation of the judgement that I am a sinner, that I am a bad person. I am a good moral person, my relationships are loving and valid, I care about other people.

I have nothing to apologize for! Arrogant self-righteous Christians who call other people names should apologize to their victims.