Growing Up Gay in America

[SpiritMan]

On the CN forums I had started a thread about growing up Gay in Danville. When one of the stalkers quoted it out of context to support a lie, I decided to remove it from that site. On this morning of shame in Texas I would like to revive it on this site and will post pieces from my previous posts as I am able to retrieve them.

But this morning I would like to say this. Everytime one of these ballot measures to codify discrimination is passed somewhere in America I get a knot in my stomach. The knot isn't from the act of passing the referendum as much as it is from the silence of the majority of the American people. What their silence tells me is that many of them agree that Gay people are in that special class of people that get exempted from the rules that apply to everyone else, just like slaves were exempted and just like African Americans are still exempted in many ways. It tells me that the majority of the American public don't understand the danger in these kinds of acts. In a Democratic Republic people should not be allowed to vote on taking away the rights of others! Prejudice and ignorance should not be the fuel behind political acts!

[SpiritMan]

I guess the first thing required in this process is to go directly to dealing with the concept of FLAUNTING. The word flaunt is for me the most despicable generalization that can be made of Gay people. It is the concept behind many violent attacks and even murders of Gay men and sometimes Lesbians. To believe in the concept of flaunting a person has to first believe that Gay people are somehow inferior or morally degenerate. Even as I contemplate what to say on this thread I wonder how many people there are out there saying, “there he goes again, promoting homosexuality in front of God and children!” Flaunting is a heterosexual word to describe homosexuals who assume they are equal and have the same rights as everyone else.

From time to time I have people ask me why I don’t hang around McGregors more often. I go in occasionally and see what’s happening, but I don’t feel totally comfortable being myself. When there’s talk of firemen at the parties I don’t feel safe saying what I feel or joking like everyone else. I know from experience that there are people out there who would call themselves my friend while secretly hiding hostility for my sense of pride and my acts of freedom. Until people understand the process of getting up every single day of one’s life being treated as a second-class citizen, having people make unfair assumptions every step of the way, there will be no resolution to the problem of homophobia.

If flaunting were applied to heterosexuals then man and wife would not be allowed to walk hand in hand in public. Children would have to be hidden in public places because it would be a horrible physical example of what the parents have done in the bedroom. At parties one would have to introduce one’s spouse as a friend or a sister or brother for fear people might imagine sexual acts between the two. No wedding rings, no wedding albums, no proud fathers with pictures of newborn sons! And all this Gay people are expected to accept in their lives without protest. And the underlying factor that holds it all together is that the Gay person must also believe that he or she is a sinner, a subhuman unworthy of the same respect and rights as everyone else!

(This I am too intelligent to accept for myself!) The sentence is an act of freedom and pride and even as I write it I wonder how many people will read it as arrogant and “in your face.” But for me it is simply a statement of fact that wouldn’t be questioned if it were a response from a heterosexaul father to the same rules being applied to straight people. That’s the sad example of how constant discrimination affect its victims.     

[pesoto74]

I did see this headline this morning.  So at least there is some hopeful news.
Maine voters turn back bid to rescind state's gay-rights law
Story

[Curt]

   I feel pretty strongly about equality of rights for everyone and have experienced this type of discrimination via my clients over the years. There appears to be at least some group or another that is willing to attempt limiting the rights of other groups because of thier own interpretation of right and wrong or beliefs in general.
    At one point I had people telling me it shouldn't be legal for disabled people to get married because they would produce more disabled children. This is ignorance of the same type prevalent with the experiences of the gay / lesbian community. Lack of understanding and a will to remain ignorant appear at the forefront of the arguements surrounding these issues. I have heard people try to argue thier point using biblical verses out of context and refuse to note that the same verses list all kinds of offences that they committ on a regular basis.
   It is written in the constitution that all are created equal and it doesn't define out any group or groups of people I am aware of despite what various authorities ( ? ) seem to think or believe. Supposedly there is separation of church and state in this country - Lately it appears as if you can get enough people of one group to vote one way, that the rights of anyone opposing the view of said group are up for grabs.

[Guardian Angel]

   I have heard people try to argue thier point using biblical verses out of context and refuse to note that the same verses list all kinds of offences that they committ on a regular basis.

Now there is one that makes my blood boil.  You cannot pick and choose what you want to follow in the Bible and call yourself a Christian.  The New Testament is based on love of man, all men.  I have never found any verse that says 'love your neighbor, unless he is gay, black, jewish, etc, etc.  What would Jesus do?

[Liberal Guy]

When I moved to New York in 1966 I went there because I wanted to get away from the Midwest to a place that had culture. I wanted adventure in my life. I had read the New York Times and knew that New York was the place to be. I didn’t come out in New York, but New York was the place where I figured out that I was gay. I was intimidated by the exoticness of gay people in NYC. I identified more as a hippy, leftist political person than a gay person. In the summer of 1969 I moved to Berkeley, California. In San Francisco I saw that gay people had a life. So I decided I could too. When I lived in the Midwest I didn’t know I was gay. Living in California I realized that my left leaning, hippy political ideals were compatible with being gay. I could use my experience fighting for political justice in the fight for equality for gay people. This all came together in a few months.   

[pesoto74]

I get the impression from reading the New Testament that if there is any group of people that Jesus has it in for it would be the wealthy.  Still I haven't heard of any of these fundamentalists seeking to pass laws against wealthy people.

[Guardian Angel]

You make a very valid point......

[SpiritMan]

I grew up in Danville as a Gay child and young man. I left 33 years ago. I have traveled around the world several times and have lived in many different cultures. When I have returned to Danville to visit family I’ve always had the impression it’s one of the last places in the world to move forward in regards to tolerance toward Gay men and Lesbians. When I decided to participate in the debate about Gay marriage on the CN forums, at the invitation of friends and family, I did it with a lot of anxiety. There were many ghosts of my past that I had to face through that decision. Over a period of two years I came to the conclusion that in many ways Danville has not changed at all.

[SpiritMan]

My world travels began in 1986 when I went to Germany to find my cultural roots. That was my first example of real culture shock. The Gay movement in Germany began at the end of the 19th century and was put on hold during Hitler’s 12 years of Nazi rule. To be in a country where homosexuality and sexuality in general had been openly dealt with more than 100 years before was an awesome experience for me. When I was in the company of German Gays they were always asking me why I was so nervous. I was always looking over my shoulder to see if I was going to be arrested by a policeman or beaten by someone who hates Gays, just for walking down the street with friends. It was really hard for me to admit that my country was so backwards. Like most Americans I had been taught that we were the best place to live in the world. Reality really hit home when I met a Black ex-American soldier in Munich, who told me he would never return to America because life for a Black man in Munich was so much easier and better.

In the winter of 1991, I was invited to live with a diplomat from Argentina who was living in Nairobi, Kenya. I was working on a book and his offer was just too good to be true. The big surprise for me in Africa was the healing that took place in the relationship with my father. I would see grown African men sitting under trees with their teenaged sons sitting in front of them. The fathers would be stroking their son’s hair or some other incredible act of love. In that moment I realized that homophobia was something that affected all men in America, not just Gays. My gut reaction was that someone would come up to these men and accuse them of being Gay. Perhaps someone might even attack them physically. I began to cry uncontrollably. I realized that I had consciously pulled away from my own father because of this stupid stereotype about human sexuality. I wanted so badly to experience the unconditional love that young African boy was receiving from his father! I felt American men needed some kind of organization to demand the same emotional rights women take for granted.

[SpiritMan]

When I came out of the closet my mother took it much harder than my Dad. I was 25 and living in Florida at the time and my father sent me a letter. It was the only letter I ever received from my father and I still have it. He told me he had always known that I was Gay. He said the only regret he had was about all of the abuse I would face from intolerant people. When my father was dying I came back to take care of him in the last month of his life. That was when the real healing took place. Truth is, I had known for years that I would do this. Each night before my father went to sleep I sat on the bed beside him holding him as we both cried. He would tell me he loved me, that he had a good life and was not afraid to die. I was finally that young boy in Africa. For that I am eternally grateful!

[SpiritMan]

For four years my partner Rob and I taught yoga classes in a small village in the Greek islands, inside a 13th century castle ruins. The village was very religious Greek Orthodox. We were apprehensive at first about being there as an openly Gay couple. I guess in hindsight I would have to say it was my lesson in understanding that prejudice is taught. The village was curious, nothing more. They waited to get to know us before forming any opinions about Gay people. In the end we became a part of the family of this village. The Greek Orthodox priest treated us as equals, as spiritual men. Some in the village began to read books about yoga. When I called from London to tell them my partner had died, I was told the entire village wept. His ashes are in the castle there on the spot were he meditated. One of the girls in the village told me she was glad we had been examples for her when she was 8 years old. She is now a student at a London university. The burden I carry from my experiences traveling is to know that prejudice doesn’t have to rule people’s lives. But so often when I return “home” it seems it’s all that rules. I was hoping this forum could contribute to that healing. There are so many good memories of my childhood in Danville that get blocked out by all the bad experiences I had simply because I was Gay.

[Butterfly]

I've watched older men push their young grandsons away when they want a hug , and calling them a sissy. It breaks my heart to see the hurt look on the face of a child when they've been rejected like that. I have one grandson who's very affectionate and is always passing out hugs. I remember the first time he hugged my dad, his great-grandpa, after a visit with my parents. He went up to him, wrapped his little arms around his legs and told him "I love you grandpa"! It so surprised my dad, that he laughed out loud, hugged him back and told him he loved him too. The reason I remember this is because my dad wasn't always able to say those three little words. I've often argued with men about calling boys sissy or telling them not to cry. I think we have a lot of work to do on our men.

[SpiritMan]

I have five sisters and one brother. It took my brother a while to come around, but my five sisters were supportive from the start. Growing up in a family with so many women around put me in a position of being a feminist. I drew a lot of information from the feminist movement in learning how to stand up for myself as a Gay man. I think there was a very clear progression from the civil rights movement to the women's movement to the Gay rights movement. I'm not saying all women are perfect. I think there were a lot of women who participated in the problems of violence against Gays. Some women required their men to prove their masculinity, in other words prove they were not Gay. I don't believe human emotions have gender. You might say some emotions are more prevalent in women and others more prevalent in men. I think it's dangerous to give the emotions gender though. I personally think it's sexist to say all violence in the world is because of men, for example. I think the reason it seems that way sometimes is because men are the ones with more power at the moment. But I think when a man is compassionate, gentle, nurturing and caring these are all human traits. We need to teach men to be proud of these aspects of their personalities. To demonize homosexuality as evil and sinful, then to portray all of the compassionate emotions as female, then to say that a man who displays these emotions is like a woman (or Gay) is just not productive for society in general.

When I first moved to Europe there was an American Rap group coming to Europe on tour. In an interview on MTV one of the rappers said he thought all European men were Gay. I really understood what he meant, being new to the culture. What I eventually realized was that European men were not trying to prove they weren't Gay. That was the difference. I also learned that most European men didn't display the kind of homophobic violent behavior a lot of American men possessed. For example, I was blown away by the fact that I could walk up to any heterosexual man on the street in Europe and look into his eyes and tell him he was beautiful. The response, almost across the board, was, "thank you, I'm flattered, but I love women!" Some would even tell me they though I was beautiful too, but they weren't interested in men in that way. Now my best friend in the whole world is a heterosexual man in Austria, with a wife and two children. I can run my fingers through his hair, tell him I love him, sit holding him while we watch a movie together without any sexual tension or intention. That's an example for the whole world to emulate, sort of like discussions on forums without anger and judgments.

In my travels around the world I have yet to come across the kind of fear of homosexuality that exists in America. One of the biggest healings for me is to be able to join the community of men. The position of American culture in its view of homosexuality had separated me as a “new class” of gender. My partner always used to say, “the more oppressive the place, the more drag queens!” In places that are more accepting of homosexuality the Gay men are more apt to be wearing black leather jackets and riding motorcycles. But of course that is just another kind of drag. But the point for myself is: I am a man, a real man through and through, even when I cry.

[SpiritMan]

In 1973, I moved to Florida. At first I thought I had gone to heaven, but I soon learned that the discrimination was just presented in a different way. Every weekend we would all go to the beach, then congregate later in the afternoon at a Gay owned hotel on the strip . There was a huge public parking lot two blocks away. In order to get to the parking lot you had to walk down a side street. This street was patrolled by plain clothes police officers in an unmarked car. They would drive very slowly past Gay people going to their cars in the parking lot. They would ask if you needed a ride. Of course people would say no because they were going to their cars. Any verbal response at all would result in being handcuffed and taken to jail for soliciting for sex. It was really a racket for shaking down Gay tourists. Nobody wanted to publicly fight a charge of being arrested for soliciting for Gay sex. Most people paid the fines which in turn did nothing to discourage the practice of entrapment. In Florida as in Indiana, there was a rule among Gay people to never call the police unless it was a last resort. It would only mean more abuse from them. In many cases where Gay people would fight back against attackers, the Gay person would be the one arrested for assault. The rationale of the police was always that we provoked it! Never in my life did I ever have a problem understanding the perspective of African Americans in their struggles with racist police officers. The problem of police abuse only began to be addressed after we petitioned major cities to recruit Gay and Lesbian police officers.